Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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