Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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