She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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