I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
