Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize