So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We are all done wearing pants today
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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