i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize