Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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