Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
