turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
