Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
