my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
