She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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