if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
