i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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