Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Randomize
