Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize