i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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