What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
