Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
