hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize