i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize