I wish I could teleport
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
