I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
