i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize