Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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