Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
