I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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