After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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