Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
