I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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