you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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