I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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