You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
