Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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