you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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