a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
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