I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
