Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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