I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I seem to have left my pride at pride
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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