when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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