The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
