omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize