I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize