life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
