Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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