Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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