I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
