I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i dont even know how to be here
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize