i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
