just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize