No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
