we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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