I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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